He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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