What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
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I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
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You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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