If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
