My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
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You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
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I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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