I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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