Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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