i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
