The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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