i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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