I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
