How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
