Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
