did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Randomize
