happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
