I am puke
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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