Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
