you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
