It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
