I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
