I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
