that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
