Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
