Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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