Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
