turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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