her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
