oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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