Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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