shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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