I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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