I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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