you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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