I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
