Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
This toilet bowl is my home.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
