Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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