I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
