his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She needs sedatives and a leash
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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