i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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