There is no way he is gay with that hair.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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