We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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