Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
