Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
