theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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