Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
