Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
