Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize