Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
my liver is dry heaving
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
