Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
