Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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