I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
me + whiskey = a bad person
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize