god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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