Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
