Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
