I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
