he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
