Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
