Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You ate ashes out of my bong
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
